Love & Marriage

As I approach the first anniversary of my third marriage, recall a poem I wrote during the troubled times of my second marriage. When things aren't going well, it's easy to blame the other person for your problems. In reality though, we are rarely victims of our circumstances. There are actions we can take, ways be can become, attributes toward which we can move. As I re-read this poem, I saw that many of the ideas could be translated to the worlds of business and leadership as well.

Marriage has caused me to be ...
Patient when I was in a hurry
Accepting when I wanted to judge
Forgiving when I wanted to be righteous... and it's so delicious to be right
Taken care of when I wanted to be self-sufficient
Self sufficient when I wanted to be taken care of
Strong when it was easier to be weak
Courageous when I wanted to be a wimp
Soft when I wanted to fight
Intimate when I wanted to be independent
Independent when I wanted to be submissive
A model when I wanted to give up on my ideals
Flexible when I wanted to be rigid
Loving when it was easier to blame
A leader when it felt safer to follow
A follower when I wanted to take charge
Patient when I wanted to be demanding
Demanding when it was easier to be passive
Neat when I wanted to be a slob
Decisive when I didn't have the nerve
Responsible when it was easier to be a victim
Outspoken when I would have been quiet
Quiet when I wanted to scream out
Close when I was inclined to be distant
Respectfully distant when I would have preferred to press in
Marriage has caused me to grow when I wanted to stay small
(c) 2002 Loretta Booker

Resolving conflicts

5 Keys to Resolving Conflict
What can you do when you find yourself embroiled in a conflict with someone?

1. Distinguish facts from feelings.
Remember "Dragnet and Sgt. Friday? His famous line was "Just the facts, Ma'am.” We all think our view of the world is the "right" one: the only right one. Recognize that you just have a piece of the 'truth'. Try creating a police or news report that captures both your view of what happened as well as the view of the person with whom you're having the conflict. This will help you release your attachment to the 'right-ness' of your personal perspective.

When we disagree with someone, we often get worked up over not just the event that happened, but the judgments we made about the situation and the person and the feelings that were evoked in us. Take ownership for your own feelings. The other person didn't "make you feel" a particular way. They did what they did. You chose to feel the way you did. There was a whole range of emotions you could have felt. You picked the one you did feel and notice if it's a familiar one for you.

2. Distinguish motive and emotions
We often assume we know what the other person was intending to do 'to us'. The only thing we really know is the reaction we had to the other person's actions. Recognize that they may not have 'meant' to disrespect (or hurt, or ignore or control) you. Also recognize that if you are the perpetrator, just because your motive was innocent, that doesn't negate the feelings the other person experienced.

3. Convert complaints to requests
Imagine that any complaint (yours or another's) is really a request in disguise. When we are in situations we don't like and we feel powerless, the natural response is to complain and blame.
Next time you catch yourself complaining, stop and ask yourself "If something could be different
here and I would like that better, what would 'that' be?" Then ask for it! Make the request to someone who has the power to grant it. Complaining or making requests to anyone else won't get your problem solved.

4. Take responsibility for your contribution, role or influence
Recognize that you may have something to do with the continued existence of the problem.
This is generally hard for people to deal with. It's so much easier to blame someone else for your problems. It's the "those idiots over there" syndrome. "If they would just." They may not.
See what actions you can take to solve your own dilemma.

5) Forgive and give yourself a gift
Forgiveness is not condoning or even accepting. Forgiving someone in your heart who has 'wronged' you, just releases your agony. It does nothing for them. Holding on to your grievance
will just keep your blood pressure high. If you can't muster "I forgive them", try "I'm willing to forgive them.” Then let it go and let your willingness salve your pain.

For questions, write me at loretta@emharv.com or just post them here as a comment.